My Story

2008-11-21T00:38:00.003+08:00

passion vs money.

dream vs reality.

i should practise what i preach and just follow my heart. at least i know there's at least one supporter out there.

but it'll mean i've to work extra hard, to get the same returns. then again, knowledge and experience is more worthy. am i trying to convince myself? perhaps.

wish me luck.

2008-11-20T00:12:00.001+08:00

real perfection is when it is perfect in our eyes, though it is not perfect.

2008-11-17T22:12:00.003+08:00

and i dozed off repeatedly during my paper. screwed! dun bother to console me.

fuck sial.

and she insulted me!! cashier @ broadway. the one who stands near the fruits. my kopi-o was in a styrofoam cup with the lid on. told her it's kopi-o. 40cents. (kopi is 50 cents. )to my disbelieve, she tilted the whole cup to check if it's really kopi-o!! wth? 我怎么说也是个大学生, 我干嘛要骗你那一角钱？？我看起来很穷吗？真是的。ok so she's doing her job. but that 10 cents discrepancy wouldn't affect her pay at all!

now i'll just siam her. BEWARE! she'll think that you haven't pay when you had. (happened to me before) this kinda paying system is kinda similiar to the old can A's drink stall. but i don't rmb getting this treatment. even if you hover ard the cashier after tat, they wouldn't doubt you.

ok. it's a small matter.

random thought:
if m&m's and snicker bars comes in fun packs, or mini sizes.... why aren't cigarettes packed in the same manner too? like maybe in 5's or 2's or individual selling.

each pkt has 20 sticks, ard $11+ per pkt. and the cigarettes wouldn't be fresh after a week. which means either you gonna smoke like crazy, ( if u are a heavy smoker, it's easy peasy for u ), or you'll hv to share with somebody else. OR ELSE, you'll be wasting your money by throwing them away. which may be the government's plot to discourage smoking.

rather effective.

i heard there used to be 10 sticks/pkt in the mkt.

and according to my fren, the part where you hold the cigarette is getting longer but the stick is the same length. which means you will 抽不爽, which means you'll tend to smoke more then you did in the past, which means you will be spending more money. Malboro's plot to increase sales, perhaps.

and at the end of the day, the consumer doesn't benefit at all.

ok.

if only we have a car.

is it bad to ask for pocket money?

2008-11-14T17:43:00.003+08:00

Egg Tart boy added the colours using Fireworks. 一想不到。（是这样写吗？？哈哈）
他添上的那一句 "Let's lead a colourful life"，还满？有意思的。原本一身黑白的唐老鸭，换上五颜六色的新衣后，精神多了。

吃了这么饱的午餐，又这么早起。好累，没精神读书，却又不能睡。折磨！！

我。。。真的会越来越重吗？？哈哈。爱吃，贪吃，什么都想试的我，该怎么办？

我。。。没有赚大钱的梦，因为我没这个本事。＄2500左右的薪水，我应该满足了。

我。。。很想创业。但谁会相信，支持我？有了个构思，但伙伴，钱呢？？

我。。。我。。。有好多话要说。

我。。。要逆水而流。却越来越没力气，没勇气。浪生气的时候，我得跟它一样冲冲忙忙地跑着。平静时，我就和它慢慢地过日子。

我在说什么。。。我也不懂。

如果大家都同心协力地往返方向走，可以突破社会主流的手掌心吗？

2008-11-14T06:02:00.005+08:00

in a race to tune my bio clock, so that i wouldn't screw up another paper, i woke up at 5.10am.

and then i started drawing...

the first thing brother thought when i showed him the completed drawing was that I TRACED from somewhere. TRACED!? and then he thought is someone else who drew it.

ar...

anyway can you guess how i drew it?? haha

curry png man msged me yesterday morning to make sure i've woken up. unexpected.

tried the cornetto (chocolate) mcflurry. there's chocolate chip, wafer and hot fudge in it. nice to bite cos of the crunchy bits but i find it kinda.. heaty.

chilling wind kept blowing,

as i struggled to stay awake.

eyes shutting,

brain shut.

and everything else remained incoherent.

but i wasn't panicking, no.

never.

dejected perhaps.

just another motion to go along.

when it all ended, it seemed like it has never start at all.

no beginning to the end.

no end to the beginning.

just another cycle.

this is how i drew my Donald Duck. using the touchpad ( not mouse! ) 厉害吧？

will be going Redhill Food Centre later with Curry Png Man. to do what else but try the curry png there. lol.

2008-11-12T10:08:00.004+08:00

sorry, but i'm feeling quite grumpy and grouchy now.

why is everybody going school to study and not somewhere else?
because they live near sch... and i don't.
i spend less time studying.

i don't like the mrt rides. too cold, too long and too boring.

i don't like napping on the tables. too short, can't rest well.

i don't like reaching home and being wide awake at 3am knowing i've to wake up at 5am. BECAUSE I CAN'T WAKE UP! feeling super sian because if it happens during exam, i'm screwed.

i don't like the talking.

“ 飘扬过海，我吃不起苦。。。”

该不该去学校呢？？

so tempted to take cab to sch on days when i've mornin paper... but when's the last time i had some allowance?? i can't rmb.

my printer isn't workin at this crucial moment.

i am still slpy.

the weather is v hot today.

nth positive.

2008-11-11T00:25:00.002+08:00

beyonce knowles: "I just have to accept I'm never going to be skinny because I love food"

swee. shall keep telling myself this.

was talkin to bah kwa in the afternoon. told him this: "we all want to be accepted by others even when we can't accept ourselves"

so i shld look up to social butterfly.

i've concluded that as we age, we tend to be more reserved in front of our new friends. like tryin to portray a certain image, perhaps a mature and intellectual one, cos we are 21, and are supposed to behave like one. the different sets of masks and costumes. defined through interactions. seriously, isn't it tiring?

true colours.

if i am a colour, i wld like to be deep blue.

2008-11-07T23:16:00.005+08:00

Extreme makeover of the toilet! such a relief it's done. dun hv to bear with the drilling, the dust and bathing w a hose. i think my tolerance for cold water is super high now.

Went food hunt w Workaholic. Today's area is Tiong Bahru!

1st stop was curry png at 40, Beo Cresent (near Tiong Bahru MRT) for Hainanese Curry Png.

In sequence, Ba Pa (pork cutlet in hokkien), curry rice with some unknown red sauce, Ko Lei Chai (cabbage), Meatball, rice again, Asam Fish. All are must trys! except the asam fish.

These pics are for Curry Png Man. But i don't think he reads my blog. Wanted to try the Hokkien Mee there but wasn't open. I'll be back!

After that we had a big pkt of homemade ice lemon tea. only $1.20! super full

Next, we went Tiong Bahru Market. What a distance away!

This is Lor Mee with Deep Fried Shark Meat. Shark's Meat!! haha woah. anw it's nice ya. definitely fresh. But you wouldn't know it's shark meat if nobody tells u it is. The flour is crispy. the chap (gravy) is thick, gooey gooey kind. I haven't seen this kinda thickness for a long time. You can taste the spices in the soup, but it's not overpowering. Just nice. The stall's 178 Lor Mee.

Wanted to buy Png Kuay (the pink rice cake) but the stall wasn't open! Aiya damn suay day. Shall be back for that and Jian Bo Chee Kuey.

We had MacDonald's Mudpie Mcflurry after we were done with shopping at Tampines. Fattening huh!?

Tired and drowsy after the whole day in the fiery sun , i napped till 9pm. Heck the assignment tat's due today. Dun even know how to do.

I asked Bwa Gua to classify me in one of the following catergories: Skinny, Normal, Slightly plump and Fat. He said I am slightly skinny, which is btwn skinny and normal. haha... the things u do to make urself feel better. But Workaholic can tell that my stomach's bulging.

Anw, I'm gonna be a 3rd class. Ah-fit did some calculations and said all my subjects must get at least a B+, which is SUPER impossible. so suan le. accept and maintain it. wonder if my parents will be disappointed. but well, i'm stupid.

2008-11-01T17:20:00.003+08:00

Golden Mile Food Centre!!

Black pepper fish @ $5 with fried rice. some western stall that i forgot to take note of.
Vegetable looks dull but tasted not bad.
Fish was tender but the sauce was kinda salty.
Fried rice nice!!

Overall, I think it's a big portion for $5. But if everything was served hot, it'll be much better.

ROC Pizza.
12" for $8.50. We had the Carnivorous which consist of chicken franks and ham.
Comes in 8" too.
Super thin and crispy! Like eating crackers. And the amount of cheese it in is just nice!
However, the sides were slightly burnt so it tasted bitter.

Conclusion: Cheap and good pizza. Tastes good without the usual cheese and chilli flakes.

Hainan Hokkien Mee @ $3
I didn't know that there was table 130 too at the basement. ( we were sitting at table 130 on the 1st floor) After super long the hokkien mee didn't come so i went down to check. Turns out that u'll hv to collect urself if u are sittin on the 1st floor.

So the hokkien mee was left covered, waitin to be claimed.

The gravy was all soaked up and it turned cold. So kinda sad. But it still tasted good! Which means when it's piping hot it'll be even better. It's serve with the usual chilli paste as well as chopped chilli padi.

Had Belgian Chocolate with waffle too! As good as ever. The waffle's thick, sweet, crispy on the outside and soft on the inside. The chocolate is super thick. So good that you can eat it on it's own. From Sweet Stone Parad Ice btw.

Ended up tabao-ing the Ah Bor Ling (4 @ $1.50)

There's this SL muffin stall near where we were sitting. So as I ate, I was looking at them making the muffins. Generous amount of fillings inside. Baked fresh daily. However I chose to buy the cheese and coconut tarts to try. Cheese tarts @ 4 for $5.00 and coconut tarts 4 for $3.50.

2008-10-31T22:10:00.003+08:00

my bucket list:

1. skin head. (easily achieved when i'm old and fargly)
2. open a cafe.
3. be a good cook: able to whip up a dish anytime. make desserts and pastries.
4. get a job that i like (mind you, i'm not all so obsessed with making big bucks and slogging like a dog)
5. visit africa.
6. visit egypt.
7. .....

can't think of any more now.

actually i think i know what i would like to do. be a barista. i love coffee and love making that perfect cup knowing that it'll make someone's day. it's that satisfaction and sense of achievement. but working in a big company kinda suck so conclusion is: open a cafe. be the boss as well as the barista.

i will try not to imagine how my folks will react to this if it ever comes true.

brother, go learn how to bake pastries and cake. then we'll be a good team. as always. =)

2008-10-31T18:53:00.003+08:00

it's been around 300 days since the start of 2008 and i was in usual stoned mood when i thought of the things that i'm proud of achieving this year.

Done:
1. paid for my driving lessons.
2. passed driving at one shot.
3. made tiramisu.
4. made oreo cheesecake.

Current:
1. paying for visits to skin centre.
2. own a hamster that can walk with his hind legs.

Going:
1. will pay for own expenses at Australia.

how pathetic.

anyway i do hope i can be financially independent by next year. which means i'll have to save a hell lot from the peanuts i get.

2008-10-27T22:09:00.002+08:00

24 hrs without sleep and still counting.

2008-10-17T23:32:00.002+08:00

no matter how what i do, how hard i try, it seems like i've always been, and always will be invisible to u. these few days, weren't i the one who helped the most? why wouldn't you give me the opportunity to learn but gave it to someone else? why? you hv nv made me feel i'm a part of u.

i really don't understand. am i really so different? i'm the stone, against the gems. why does nobody give me a chance? but then again, even when i achieve, it doesn't seemed like it meant anything to u. unlike them.. watever they do, just full of praises and beams.

it sucks. u just don't know.

sometimes, i just can't be bothered. cos in the end, it's all the same.

don't wanna care anymore. since u want it this way. there's no pt in me being nice.

unimpt me shall stay unimpt and shittier.

oh fuck.

2008-10-16T00:23:00.002+08:00

if only everybody hv a little more respect, a little more tolerance for differences.

all teach the same thing - teach pple to be good. ethnocentrism must be eradicated.

holy wars. racial riots.

i am a free thinker. i respect all religions and biase to none.

please accept me. " i know i don't fit in that much, but i'm yours"

being different is so hard. i hate to see you sad.

such melancholy in both of us.

i need money.

so many random thoughts. so many what ifs and maybes.

haven't been to school for a week.

2008-10-06T23:30:00.002+08:00

we are in the same space.
we are not in the same space.
there's like this window, where i look in.
a window, not a door.

the only time when snoring is a beautiful melody is when the sick finally sleeps. void of pain, agony, dispair. oblivious. bliss. and i am at ease.

it sucks. i cannot imagine how i will be when the day comes.

2008-09-27T23:32:00.008+08:00

On 12th May 08, I first met the Nissan Sunny.
On 27th Sept 08, I said goodbye to it.

at 18 points! haha it's a bad pass but it's still a pass. but they don't seemed so happy about it. esp her, who has always been so disapproving. which is... disappointing.

kinder surprise was extinct from singapore for more than a year. and he found it! well not actually him who found it, but ya, he bought it.

new packaging and the price is like double! WTH. pay more for the bigger, more colourful box.
but apparently, kinder surprise is back !!

treated lihui for lunch. and got treated by my aunt at swensens. and slpt the rest of the time. 9th Oct treating HELLA peeps w sal. I am in a good mood. hahaha.. and i kept the cost of the driving lessons under $1000!!!

one load off.

fuck i just realised i had another assignment due next week. 2 midterms, 2 assignments, tuition.

i've cleared my thoughts.

2008-09-25T19:59:00.002+08:00

floating on ...,
a torch in the dark.
contained.
contented?
confused.
bizarre.
bewildered!
be happy.
put it out, before my fingers get burnt.
let it dance, and sing me a song.
douse, ignite, ignite, douse.
turn back,
turn on,
turn away.

hush now, it'll be ok.

2008-09-21T16:37:00.002+08:00

nice? my new shoes. bought from www.forever21.com through a spree.. but it is a bit dirty.. and the quality isn't that good. which is disturbing.

i've been feeling weak. weak as in, no strength, uber nua-ed. i can feel my limp fingers while studying. i can feel my body goin on strike. perhaps it's the lack of sleep? today's the last straw. i slept for 12 hours. 12 HOURS! i don't sleep that long unless i'm sick. but i'm not. and the sucky thing is, i still feel weak. argh!

i really wanna know what you are thinking. i thought you'll be more concerned. this time round, i can't do what i want to. i can't. think i had better stop.

you said i should do something for myself. if only it wouldn't jeopardise anything.

everytime i tell myself i had enough, tell myself that i shouldn't bother, i still do it. and end up feelin disappointed yet again.

i will just sit and wait for things to happen now.

i never thought there will be a day where i drank beer in front of all my family relatives. woots. the feeling is good. haha.

maybe one day, you will really fulfil your promise.

my friend did this personality test:

林倍燕的內在想法

*思想細密，想得多又遠，而且很有耐心

*很會分析、摸索他人的心態，且說出自己中肯的看法

*不喜歡被別人猜中心事，一旦被猜對行為後就會立即作改變

*非常有同情心，看到可憐的人會想要幫助他

*是個感性的女生，容易多愁善感

(this part is exactly the same as hers! lol i think cos we have the same surname. does surname really play a part in your personality? it's not that we can help being born a 林 or a 陈 or a 黄)

*個性穩定、行事作風保守的人

*有時候會太堅守原則，讓人覺得很難溝通

*重視家人，常常會以家人的意見為中心

*有恒心毅力，不會半途而廢

*個性較直來直往，很容易被看穿心事

it's just another personality test.

2008-09-18T23:13:00.002+08:00

forensic science was ok.. tricky.. i think can get at least a B.

real analysis i think i'll pass.

such confidence. lol.

i don't think can make it for second lower le. darn.

i can't seemed to wake up either.

and i only attend like 4 hrs of classes/week. pro eh? but still going on fine.

went to NUS just now. had dinner and then went Munchy Monkey, which is a cafe at NUS. the dessert was well, overall average. The brownie and italian chocolate cake are nice! but the ice cream was melted when served to us. Like one pool of white vanilla and chocolate syrup swirl around the cake. the tiramisu definitely cannot make it. the one we made is so much nicer. so much more fragnant.

there's a live band. from Kent Ridge Hall. A band with a guitarist and a singer. Their act's like The Unxpected. 1st set, 2nd set blah blah. Maybe they are imitating them. Well, the female singer was.. dull. Not that her voice is bad but there's no emotion at all. That's not the worse. Up came Mr "I'm so cool and I sing damn good" Terrible. He has all those act pro actions, along with his off pitch, out of beat singing. Act seh. He totally ruins the nice songs like "I don't wanna be" "The Scientist". Talk about ending the day with a bad note.

Would have loved to join the 100km walk for LetsTakeAWalk. But only reach Singapore on that day itself. Anyone game for the 10km walk instead? 21st Dec. http://www.letstakeawalk.sg/

I thought I had a lot to say.

My arms have gone limp.

Finally had canteen 2's waffles!

totally need a beer. these mugging days drain the hell out of me.

2008-09-08T13:36:00.003+08:00

biological chemistry MIDTERM is like a Prelims or A Level paper la.. 2 hours... with lots n lots of questions. They expect us to know how to do those questions when the tutorials (there was only 2 tutorials so far) barely touched on the calculations.

and i am at a total disadvantage cos i'm not takin any chem modules unlike the chem students.

panic.. dun wanna waste my S/U option on this.

went to the ZOO! yesterday with my grandma, uncle and aunt and my mum. Random. They planned to go without telling me! found out in the morning so requested to tag along. PROUD TO SAY I SKIPPED FORENSIC SCIENCE LECT TO GO!! haha.

sighx...

mole hole.

( my brother's blog is boring. )

2008-09-08T13:36:00.002+08:00

The only theorem/definition that I remember so vividly from John Sloman is the "Law of Diminishing Marginal Returns". Very applicable for school and whatever that links to it.

So it's week 6! And they (who's they) say that time flies when you are enjoying. Like no?! I don't enjoy the realisation that another fruitless week has passed. Neither do I enjoy the thought of exams inching nearer. And nearer.

You reap what you sow. As a result of all the junk food and excessive eating, I have gained weight. Can't tell? Try looking at my tummy. Yeap, it's spilling. Not giving excuses for not going for runs but yes, my knee is still as screwed as ever. The weekly gym with B is my best comfort. Guilt-striken for 6 and a half days, guilt-free for 1/2.

I rather be fat then crippled. But then again, if I get too fat, my knee also wouldn't be able to take it right? Darn.

What happened to SASA? Grr.... one member is M.I.A. The other is as busy as ever. Butt itchy go accept the post. Hoho. I will always be laughing at you about this. And please give me a chance to leech you.

IF I get too lame or talk nonsence, it's ZQ's fault. Studying with him is tiring. Half the time studying, 1/8th of the time consulting each other and the rest is just plain crapping. And the crap is getting more and more.... crappy. Lowering my intelligence to match his. I am going dumb.

Hadn't start on a new book since 3 weeks ago. There's 2 waiting for me to devour them. And I've got Sims 2, along with all its expansions! Thanks to W. And there's the all time easy-to-past-time MapleStory. When will I ever get to touch them? Not that I don't have the time, but I fear I am not that disclipined.

Need a life.

2008-08-31T10:36:00.004+08:00

The signs are there. They show. It's undeniable. As much as people tell me the opposite, I myself know. Damn. Running a contradiction in my head. I must go back to the old ways. Somehow.

I'm glad the weather these 2 days is good.

Disappointed. Did i expect too much? But looking at past occurances, you weren't like that. Everything don't tally. What's going on?

I think I'll just go with the flow. Sigh... Maybe now's not the time.

Biological chemistry is THE challenge of the year.

At 11.12am, I had a smile on my face.

Buy or don't buy. Eat or don't eat. Sleep or don't sleep. Study or don't study. Go class or don't go class. Meet or don't meet.

I miss these days, those times. (look at louie's hair!)
Are we all too busy or not putting the effort?

2008-08-22T11:08:00.005+08:00

Natalie du Toit -- When taking part is more important than winning Natalie du Toit practicing in the pool

The road to the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games was bumpy for many athletes but surely no tougher than that of South African swimmer, Natalie du Toit.

The 24-year-old, who lost her left leg in a road accident in 2001, has become the first leg amputee to compete in both the Olympic and Paralympic Games.

Although Polish table tennis player Natalia Partyka was the first arm amputee to compete at Beijing 2008, du Toit chose to tough it out in the most arduous event on the swimming roster – the 10k open water race - an event which has been likened to "wrestling in water", which requires immense physical strength and endurance and was on the Olympic roster for the first time in Beijing.

"There was lots of dunking and it's always going to be dangerous," said du Toit after the race, in which she finished a creditable 16th out of a field of 24 swimmers, in a time of two hours and 33.6 seconds, just over one minute behind winner Larisa Iichenko.

"The best thing is not to panic. You have to stay with the pack or you lose momentum. But the pack is always a dangerous place to be, especially with the buoys. When I hit the buoy I lost rhythm and pace."

Unlike her South African compatriot, Oscar Pistorius, a sprinter who failed to persuade the International Olympic Committee (IOC) to allow him to use artificial limbs to compete in Beijing, du Toit does not use a prosthetic leg.

"I didn't have a great race but I did my best. I would have liked to have been in the top five. As a seasoned swimmer there should be no excuses. I'm a bit disappointed, but when I got out of the water I couldn't move so I gave everything."

Competing in her first Olympic Games has been an ambition Natalie had nurtured since she was a six-year-old.

"To be here, is a dream come true. A dream is something that you set for yourself, not what other people set for you. When I qualified in Seville [at the 2008 World championships in which she finished fourth] I burst into tears. I couldn't believe that I was going to the Olympic Games."

Natalie du Toit competes in the Marathon 10km Swimming event.

Natalie's career got off to a remarkable start. The Cape Town swimmer set multiple national age group records as an able-bodied swimmer in both medley events and she competed in the Kuala Lumpur Commonwealth Games in 1998 at the young age of 14.

But a road accident in February 2001, sustained when Natalie was steering her scooter through rush hour traffic when traveling from school to training, changed her life.

Doctors couldn't save her left leg, so it was amputated and a titanium rod installed. Incredibly, the road to recovery began the next day when Natalie got out of bed.

"I just wanted to get back to life again - swimming four hours a day - and I wanted to be able to walk again so that I would be able to do things by myself," she recalled.

A year later she won her first major international medal at the 2002 Commonwealth Games in Manchester when she raced as both an able bodied and disabled competitor. She finished eighth place in the able bodied 800m Freestyle, and won gold in the 50 and 100m Elite Athletes with a Disability (EAD) races.

She was also presented with the first David Dixon Award for Outstanding Athlete of the Games, ahead of legendary Australian swimmer Ian Thorpe, who had won six gold medals and set a world record in the 400 meter freestyle.

Natalie repeated the same Commonwealth feat four years later in Melbourne.

With the Olympics out of the way, she will now switch back to the pool to defend the five Paralympic swimming medals she won in Athens 2004: the 100m Butterfly, 100m Freestyle, 200m Individual Medley, 400m Freestyle, 50m Freestyle (all gold), and aim to go one place better in the 100m Backstroke, in which she won a silver medal.

Natalie du Toit

Her double-selection also means she's had to shape a training schedule to meet the demands of both events. She focused on endurance for the Olympic 10k Swimming Marathon and will now switch to speed work for the Paralympics.

"I never thought of myself as being disadvantaged," said Natalie. "My message isn't just for disabled people, it is for everyone. It's to use the negatives in a good light."

Indeed her website boasts the inspiring motto: "Be everything you want to be."

A few years back a coach gave her an unattributed poem:

The tragedy of life does not lie in not reaching your goals,
The tragedy of life lies in not having goals to reach for.
It is not a disgrace not to reach for the stars,
But it is a disgrace not to have stars to reach for.
If you are looking for true Olympian spirit you will find it in Natalie du Toit.

2008-08-19T16:33:00.002+08:00

listener.
advicer.
mediator.
problem-solver.
secret-keeper.
rubbish dump.

since july till now, my mind hadn't had any rest. unknowingly became the female version of the Love Guru and Hitch mixed together. the least expected pple suddenly pop up and seek advices and opinions. huh?

beginnin of the 3rd week of sch and i'm totally drained. the travelling's partly to blame.

when things are ok, i am nth to you. why did i even bother to protect you? i guess you no longer need me, now tat you have him.

and i keep thinkin abt what i've said and whether my words were the exact words that steered their directions.

silly assumptions that i'm angry and that i'm depressed. the more you ask if i'm ok, the more you think that i'm not, the more irritated i get. wth. i hate to explain myself. explain i'm ok just cos u think i'm not. explain this, explain that. and yes, stop probing and probing, asking those silly, meaningless qns.

he's right. we are born like that. putting others before self. even though we say we wouldn't do it again, we still will. and in the end, we get hurt to make pple happy. fucking silly pple we are.

playin dumb from now on. avoid. avoid. you. so that i wouldn't hv to know anything anymore.

i seriously need a good rest.

2008-08-16T16:17:00.002+08:00

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

Really??

2008-08-16T00:29:00.002+08:00

ok.

27th Sept 2008. I've probably have spent close to $1k just for that day.

I am in a mugging mood already. *beams* just let me pass the 3.5 mark. I'll thank the heavens after that.

then I will go on holidays at ease.

Melbourne from 14th - 20th Dec 2008. Visiting Chocolate Factory, viewing the fairy penguin parading up the shore, farm visit... I guess I'm lucky.

certainly hope we will go JB to count down to 2009.

I haven't tried the food at the new canteen. Yeap, this is so random. But I'm probably the only one who hadn't had a meal there. YET. and I want to eat the toast from canteen 14.

I still prefer to be a northener then a southener. Mr Bean, I'll get sick of you one day.

2008-06-26T18:17:00.002+08:00

to break free from the womb, no more amniotic fluid but real living cells. unprotected. unconventional.

i wonder if it's the society that influenced us or us shaping the society.

like what we are doing spendin our youth, the age of un-extinguishable energy, following society's norm and our mums' words? for i think all those certificates, qualifications only, mind you, only show good you are stuffing otherwise pointless stuff in your mind and regenerating in exams. that's all. is intelligence measured by how much you can remember or the ability to survive the rat race?

it's not cos we dunno how poisonous it is to follow. we ain't blind. just simply afraid. defeated. and over the yrs, simply lost e will to fight. it's sick. to see generations after getting weaker n weaker in the mind. our forefathers climbed trees all the way up to the canopies, we are contented with the undergrowth.

what for?

we are young. we live once. only once. why the hestitation?

i want to hitchhike. not just anywhere, but here. here in our sunny island. i wanna know how many taxis i have stopped before successfully gettin home. or will i even get home?

does it feel like we haven't never been alive?

Lonesome Traveller

2008-06-21T17:43:00.002+08:00

Lonesome Traveller.

I've stumbled upon these 2 words several a times in a course of a year.

With each tick of the clock, we are swirling, perhaps unknowingly, through the dance floors of our lives. A different style, different partners, mirroring each note and each tempo. From the jovial country folk dance in our early teens, to the hot cha cha at our prime, ending in a slow waltz.

Often, the music changes unexpecting, like a whirlwind through your heart. Leaving you to hastily adopt and change into a new outfit. A new outfit. Who will you become now?

Sometimes you dance alone. Perhaps there isn't a right dance partner to set you grooving through. But then again, your mind may be riched with meanings that you feel everybody is dancing with you. Literally.

And sometimes, you dance with someone else, or several others. But are you really there? Are you really with them?

The mind and the heart. Like fighting bulls with no sign of relention. Leaving behind nothing but emotional scar. Make peace, the battle will wear you out.

Emotional scar. Would the scar of a chickenpox spell feel as much as a slit through your wrist? Each scar, a different story, different sets of emotions weighing down a past. Memories forever trapped and locked up, till you are willing to flip the pages again.

You are a Lonesome Traveller. No doubt. Like everyone else. Each finding the place where you are physically and mentally there. Where you are no longer a single unit, but part of an entity. Where your life is worth living and your future is worth shaping.

Justify.

Birthday Wish

2008-06-09T00:33:00.007+08:00

It's raining. Crystal droplets of rain came crashing down as if racing each other to the ground. The number of sprinters never seem to end, almost merging into perfect strings.

It's raining, like all his past 6 birthdays. His first smell was the sweet November rain. The first thing he heard was the gentle tap on the window pane, like staccatos on the piano. But that's a past that he will never know. A part of him forever buried amongst the synapses and neurons. He will never know the wonderful melodies, only the thunderous slams on the drums.

Another birthday going hungry. Instead of wasting energy salvaging through the dumps, he knows it's wiser to conserve his energy, find a nice shelther and sleep the hunger pangs away. Maybe if he prayed harder this ear, the white cotton clouds will truimph for the rest of his birthdays. If only he had a candle. That's what the other kids do, blowing out colourful candles of all shapes and sizes. Clasping their hands fervently, closing ther eyes in glee and making a wish. He had seen them done it when he peered through their windows.

Rain or shine, they always have their cakes. In pink, brown, white and all the other hues you can imagine. He was sure cakes are girls. Because they love to be in fancy colours and beautiful gowns of whipped cream, hazelnut and chocolate chips. And girls always smell nice.

He remembers what his Papa said: "God doesn't help you if you don't help yourself."

Running quickly through the rain, he grabbed some twigs and stones and headed back to his shelter. His home for the day. His small brown hands grasped the stones tightly. Strike after strike, but still no sparks. No fire to lit the twigs. He sobs, angry that God wasn't helping.

A passerby stipped in front of him. A bearded man, perhaps in his forties. He took out a piece of paper, rolled it up tightly, lit it with his lighter and handed to the boy.

"Quick, before the paper's all burned up."

The boy stares at the man. Mouth opened with nothing streaming out. He blinks. And then he understood. He made his wish and blew out his candle. A rare smile spread across that pixie face of his.

From a distant, he thought he saw a raindow hiding shyly behind the white clouds.

Baby

2008-06-09T00:33:00.002+08:00

The phone beeped. Once, twice. You can hear it echo down the hall. She looks at it, with little interest. She swung the door opened into another cold winter night. Fumbling her pockets for her lighter, she lit a Malboro. Drawing circles after circles.

"No matter how hard you cling, it will still slip through your fingers."

Such stinging words.

The evening sky's painted black again, as if robbed cruelly of it's laughter and joy. Just like her heart. Empty, dull.

She screamed silently.

Back in her empty house, the vacuum is overwhelming. She wants to scream the highest pitch, cry the largest drop of tear, run the longest distance. She wants to pull out all her hair, returning back to the innocence of a baby. She wants to slit open her stomach, like the way they did to her mother so that she can have her first breath. She's all coiled u now, foetal position. Naked.

Self-denial. Self-reproach. Self-ish.

Maybe when the Sun rises beyond the glass windows, hers will too. Until then, darkness looms. After all, you come into this world alone, you will leave alone too.

2008-04-28T14:07:00.001+08:00

so.. some of u know it le..
and u all are concerned, one way or another.
but,
it's kinda hard to stop.
not tat i'm totally into it.
just tat whenever i feel down,
it's my form of destress,
form of escape.
cos nobody's there

n i'm v tired,
been clear for 2 days.

totally not lookin forward to go home.
i'll die faster.

n somebody called smallfat a rat. despicable.. haha. RAT??!! u homo sapien.

2008-04-23T15:55:00.000+08:00

f**k

i've desperately tried to crawl out, but i am gradually sinkin back in.
ain't goin as well,
ain't goin as hoped.
f**k
f**k
f**k
f**k
you know how it is when u want smth so bad, you'll DIE to hv it?

and the alcholic driver said to the traffic officer: "I can't take the breath test. I've got blood in my alcohol system"

nobody will be there for you. nobody.

what's the point of pinnin hopes on the softboard?

2008-04-21T12:17:00.002+08:00

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
And make everything be wonderful again

I hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
I hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that makes me want to cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed and I
Dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say that
Everything will be wonderful some day

Promises mean everything
When you're little and the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

Na na nana........
Please don't tell me everthing is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all ok
I have to laugh so my friends wont know
When the bell rings I just don't want to go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say that
Everything will be wonderful some day

Promises mean everything
When you're little and the world is so big (so big)
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

Na na nana........
No. No.
I don't want to hear you tell me everything is wonderful now.
No. No. I
don't want to hear you tell me everything is wonderful now.

I don't want to hear you say that I will understand some day
No. No. No. No.
I don't want to hear you say that you both have grown in a different way
No. No. No.No
I don't want to meet your friend
I don't want to start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Somedays, I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.

Na na nana....No.
Please I don't want to hear you tell me everything is wonderful now...
No.
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now..
Na nana..
Everything is wonderful now...

2008-04-17T22:23:00.000+08:00

freaking wanna have it back in my system.
freaking need a ..........
now I can't get it out of my head.

2008-04-13T22:23:00.003+08:00

nobody will ever ever understand
i must grow up now.

it must be tough,
deciding where to leave the mark.
how does it feel
when it gushes out?
would you let it flow
would you dry it up
would you just carry on?

i hate to have to think abt the pple who will be affected by me
cos then, I can't do what i wanna do.
it's kinda sucky cos i'm living for others.
and I've be what they perceived.

there's smth wrong with me. i just dun wanna admit.
the devils in my head
questionin every step i take.
the more i haven't tried it, the more i want to feel

but i'm a coward

this time, I'll prove you wrong.
runnin out of time though. shit.

tell me how to concentrate on studying.

2008-04-08T23:03:00.001+08:00

lost till you're found
swim till you drown
jump till you break
love till you hate

2008-04-02T02:33:00.000+08:00

It wasn't as bad as I thought.
Maybe there's smth wrong.
Building circles,
Leaving scent.

One, two, and then three.
It was just so easy.
So so easy.

2008-03-30T23:44:00.001+08:00

it's like sitting at the edge of the building.
one wrong thing u say, i'll jump.

suffocating as the air slowly seeps away.
intoxicating fumes.
as it glows in the dark,
leaving ashes of broken hearts.

cutting myself up,
scars, they will nv go.
three cheers to sweet revenge,
i'll be the first to laugh.

whenever your world's start crashing down,
there's where you'll find me.

2008-03-29T00:12:00.002+08:00

a girl's man,
a boy's lady.

every notion is a contradiction.
happiness was when I was 15.
jaded.

and I ain't as strong as I thought I'll be.
I miss you, but that's history.
miserable bliss indeed.

can't stop them from coming.
can't fight back yesterday.

2008-03-19T07:22:00.005+08:00

amazing,
the amount of food i've been consuming.
incredible,
the number of nights my stomach's growling.

does studying really make one hungry? or is it the merely finding smth to do other then studying?

if i'm not lazy, i would buy a non-stick pan. and eggs and cooking oil. and a small bowl. pepper and salt. and bread. beat the egg into a neat mixture of yellow and white. soak the bread entirely in it and give it a good fry. bombay toast. or simply, lay a slice of cheese on the bread, give it a light toast to melt the cheese and top it off with scrambled eggs.

if i'm not lazy, i would even buy a wok. fry some rice. perfect for supper.

but the thought of washing up after eating.. totally puts me off. it's not tat bad back at home.. at least, i can put off washin until i really feel like washing.

hungry....

from slpin early to waking early... to slping late.. and later... but still wakin relatively early.. a couple of frens ald noted their surprise in seeing me online at wee wee hours. when did all this start? i amaze myself sometimes.

really hate being a girl sometimes. can't just go away like that. alone. need to get out! totally understand how A feels when he said he wanna run away from everything. poor kid.. 6 years is too damn long to hang on.

it wouldn't be long, till we are all gone, lying in the ground.

2008-03-18T07:22:00.001+08:00

a wonderful morning. =)

air is so much fresher and cooler out there,
that steppin back in, humidity is so intense.

climb, as high as you can.
till you are so close to the stars.
clouds fadin in and out,
hues like the painter's palette.

orderin mac at 4am?
i'm not the only one.

to all that so cope up in their room studyin,
venture out and up.
i'm sure it'll be rewardful.

glad i took the chance.
2 hrs out there,
beats slpin away another day.

thank you

2008-03-17T07:22:00.000+08:00

should i surface this one-man submarine?

hiccups..
it all comes to the same.
clear liquor and cloudy eyes.
can't explain what you can't explain.
maybe it's best to leave me alone.

2008-03-10T22:17:00.000+08:00

i swore i wouldn't cry,
but they couldn't help themselves.

it's not easy.
standin behind a wall.
what should i say,
to stop them from comin?

regrets.

please let me pull through these

2008-03-05T22:17:00.000+08:00

oblivious of time and of pple.
a lunch, finally.
but end up eating in silence.

patience has run out,
it's my moral value.
doesn't time wait for no man?

tired and sick,
of such disregard

2008-03-01T22:17:00.002+08:00

permanent and significant bulge.
so embarrassing and ashamed.

i do not comprehend the overwhelming tiredness i've been experiencing since start of uni. i can doze off at the slightest moment, and sink into a short dream. like a series of pictures flashing through me, and as unexpected as i fell asleep, i jolt awake. concentration is one thing tat is totally lacking. i can slp 8 hrs a day, drink 3, 4 packets of coffee and still cannot concentrate..

white sneakers and black shades.

2008-02-26T04:47:00.002+08:00

wide awake at 4.47am. woah. like when was the last time tat happened? must be that poor toe that jolted me back from slpiness.

glad i've got a bunch of good old frens. another not so old one comin later in the day.

need to find time for studies. darn. dun understand a single shit. miracles do happen, don't they?

2008-02-20T00:00:00.003+08:00

every waking moment is torture
all i think of is beer n sleep.
let me waste my life away,
even better if i'm gone.

sleep away,
till i was 15.
and let time freeze there
or it's time to go.

i wish there is someone, who, at anytime, anywhere, will sit with me by the sea with a can of beer in hand.

2008-02-18T09:38:00.001+08:00

fruitless wait
for you to take me away.
hopeful still
for that day.

2008-02-16T09:59:00.001+08:00

my insides all turned to ash / so slow
and blew away as i collapsed / so cold
a black wind took them away / from sight
and held the darkness over day / that night

and the clouds above move closer
looking so dissatisfied
but the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

i used to be my own protection / but not now
cause my path had lost direction / somehow
a black wind took you away / from sight
and held the darkness over day / that night

and the clouds above move closer
looking so dissatisfied
and the ground below grew colder
as they put you down inside
but the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

so now you're gone
and i was wrong
i never knew what it was like
to be alone

on a valentine's day
on a valentine's day
on a valentine's day
on a valentine's day
on a valentine's day

i used to be my own protection
on a valentine's day / but not now
on a valentine's day
cause my path had lost direction
on a valentine's day/ somehow
on a valentine's day

2008-02-15T17:03:00.002+08:00

little bundle of joy,
why the hurry to leave?
no pink, thank you.
i prefer blue.

little bundle of joy,
why do you wanna go?
are you hurting,
more then I am?

little bundle of joy,
tomorrow will be a better day.
fear not,
for I am around.

ephemeral happiness you gave,
throbbing pain you are giving.

2008-02-14T09:52:00.002+08:00

Weary soul.
Friend of foe?
Run! Run! Back to your cave.
Phew, what a close shave.
Hide, hide,
Still there is light.
Demons and guardians,
devils and angels.
Black and white.
But a thin line.

Weary soul,
Just stay low.
It'll be over,
When the next wind blows.

2008-02-01T05:48:00.000+08:00

went to lie on bed ard 1.40am and the nxt thing i knew, it was 5.40am. shocking. the silence is deafening.

so hear i am, wide awake. lesson's at 10.30am, so must time to kill. but i kinda like this slp pattern. at least i wouldn't be wasting time chatting online cos everybody's in dreamland at this hour.

i cannot believe i spent the whole day working on one task. procrastination and distraction. killer combi. now i know y L is so stressed up and dun hv the luxury to sit down to hv a proper meal with me.

getting so tired easily and drifting of into dreams at any instant is affecting me, and studies. one moment i am reading my notes, the nxt i'll fall aslp and hv a short dream. not really a dream, but flashes of pictures, a certain part of a story. after which, i'll jolt up as suddenly as i zonk out. maybe that's y i get real tired, cos i'm hvin all these short 'rests', which definitely doesn't recharge me but instead zap my energy faster.

omg. it's 6am now. and 'Majullah Singapura' is playing on the radio, just a short part of it. so long has it been when we had to sing our national song, eyes following the Singapore flag as it rises. right hand on the chest as we recite our pledge. it seemed like a chore then, at 7.25am, students will file into the assembly area for the daily ritual. but i kinda miss it now. 10-13 years of this daily ritual somehow does make everyone of us patriotic in someway.

wish someone is AWAKE now. then we can have mac breakfast. hoho.

since sec1?, i haven't touch the payphone but yest, i finally used it. left my phone in room. that familar smell of the phone. the mouth part of the phone always hv this funny smell. it's not tat bad but i think it's cos of all the saliva, like someone will talk and hv saliva flyin at the same time. but, it definitely is nostalgic. i'm glad technology hasn't wipe out these 'ancient' means of communication. and i think it's cheaper. 10 cents into the slot, and you can talk for a couple of minutes?

if you have the heart to do something, you will do it. tat basically sums up what i've been feeling. everybody's sayin they wanna do this, that, but at the end of the day, it's more proscratination. nobody really bothers to do anything, like arrange a meeting or outing. they just wanna wait for someone to do the 'dirty' work and they appear. not that they always appear.

then, is everything else that they say true? or just fiction spun out of obligation?

2008-01-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

666, the symbol of evil and anything satanic.
the opposite of goodness.
999, the flipped of 666.
the number of the local police station.

coincidence?

2008-01-18T20:17:00.000+08:00

each day passes by unnoticeably. yet it feels like much more then 24 hours. they were all the same. the transaction btwn day 1 and day 2 is seamless. i can only rely on my clock to tell me which day it is. i no longer look forward to weekends. it's too far away to give it a thought. goin home, goin town, no longer have meaning. it would be the same if i just stay in my room every day, 7 days a week.

givin it some thought, it has only been 2wks since sch start. that immense emptyness as i look out of my room each day. my taste buds hv cease to work. eating was only a chore, an obligation. only coffee to wake my senses. to keep me marchin.

2008-01-17T07:01:00.000+08:00

2 weeks into the sch term and I'm already feeling stressed and dreading to go sch. oh boy. all that pressure to get at least a B for all subjects.

went joggin yest. 3 pathetic rounds round the track and I was out of wind. The blazing sun and the lack of stamina. Yes, it may be a good start, but I just don't feel good running at a pace and distance that is many many many times worse then when I was at peak. Seeing everybody else runnin farther and farther away, that sense of inferiority, despair.

i wish to start again, to push myself. it'll haunt me, no doubt. its presence is already lurking beneath the skin. i fear failure. i fear that by starting, it'll only cause more pain. motivated no more.

nostalgic ache.

i tried to write, but decided against it. things are better this way.

i slp too much

2008-01-03T19:13:00.000+08:00

to you:

2007's gone, so let's not dwell into the past. forget all the regrets and goals unmet. it's 2008 now, it's time get back on your feet again and be positive.

It's not going to be easy, but you've got to have faith in yourself. Believe that you can make it. Believe that you can make a difference.

Don't despair.

Have the discipline to do what is important. MSN, facebook, friendster etc, they are mere distractions that will only make you more glued to it. It's not that you can't use them, but you've got to know when to stop. Especially now you will be in hall, friends will ask you out for dinner, for supper, for games, you have to strike a balance.

Do not think that you have 4 hours less of travelling time means you can procrasinate more. That extra hours are meant for you to catch up with studies and sleep. You know you will get very tired especially when exams are near.

Have all the fun and excitement you can, as you would like to have. Just as you will concentrate on having fun, I hope you will do the same when u sit down at your desk to study. Concentrate, and not let your mind wander. You don't think of work when you are playing, or get distracted, hope you can exercise the same concept to your studies.

I guess all that I've said you already know.

Action speaks louder then words.

2008-01-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

joyeux anniversaire...

god's bdae gift for me : 4 runs to the toilet. diarrhoea. i barely enjoyed my lunch cos my tummy was churnin as i ate. didn't had dinner n now i'm hungry n i'm wonderin if i can eat anything. grrr...

surprised by the gifts i've gotten. does the 21st bdae hv such significance and meaning such tat i'll receive those gifts?

why say "forever 21" and "sweet 17"? i'm sure i wasn't sweet when i was 17. at 17 i was still slpin in classes, thrashing the waters and stoning. still a geek then. definitely. w those classes and wavy hair.

now i'm 21, i'm supposed to be an adult. which was wat i wanted to be since young. to be able to make decisions w/o ur parents interfering. but i think i'm not ready. still as kiddish as ever. i wouldn't wanna grow up and act my age.

the world's evil. like hansel and gretel findin their candy house of doom, w the world being the witch.

i just wanna lie on the meadows and gaze at the fleeting clouds.
sniff the summer bloom and flirt with the butterflies.
run with the wind and swim along fishes.

goodbye bdae

2007-12-28T01:17:00.000+08:00

i don't talk to someone who just comes running to you excited abt the exam results, wantin to compare, telling u she shld hv S/U accounts cos she had a B, when she doesn't even give a shit of her frens the rest of the time. like a freakin B is damn good for me, while it is lousy to u. not tat u cared, or know. inconsiderate. So u gonna start whinin abt ur accounts to Y and make her feel sad.

u don't deserve my attention cos u didn't earn it. i am not for u to use and run to when u need my help.

2007-12-27T22:19:00.000+08:00

i wonder if i'll end up like hatsumi. all tat courage n determination to cut off all worldly desires and attachments just with one slit. but i'm a coward. a weakling. afraid to lose wat i've fought so hard for. attention. love. respect. envy. not tat i've really had any now.

i hate the way i turn out. so afraid to let go of this, of that.

often i want to let my steam out, but cos of various reasons n circumstances, i am still bottled up. up to the brim where i can break anytime. i wonder if i hv mental problems. maybe tat's y i'm always easily tired, all that synapses tat occur.

warmth n comfort i found. warmth n comfort gone.

miserable bliss.

everything is goin wrong. sch, life, me.

what do i live for? for whom i exist?
if i exist for me, i've not been doin a good job. fallin so deep into the pit of self-illusion.
the world will still revolve when i'm gone. i am insignificant. and all that sacrifices. i am losing me. with each north wind, a little of me gets blown away, into dust. scattered over nothingness.
what am i now?

emptiness. i wish u can rescue me.

2007-12-25T22:15:00.000+08:00

i thought of the fried rice.
the one i wouldn't get to taste.
the one whose flavour wouldn't be the same.

it's christmas. it's just another day.

wat r u doin now?

the continuous struggle to do what's right drains every ounce of energy.

i wish i hv more time for my book.

2007-12-24T01:08:00.000+08:00

fate,
you came too late.

and if the clock will tick anti-clockwise,
i would hv choose another road
all that's left are sullen hopes and barren dreams
of the impossible

2007-12-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

i am sad. but i can't tell u. not tat i dun want to, i just can't find the words to say. like Naoko, often i find myself opening my mouth, but closing it as i didn't know how to piece my words.

it's a lonely path out there, i wish i hv a fren like Watanabe to walk with me.

sadness and sorrow.

think happy thoughts
think happy thoughts
think happy thoughts
think happy thoughts
think happy thoughts

2007-12-16T01:54:00.001+08:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

2007-12-12T23:53:00.000+08:00

" i do understand what u mean. definitely u r someone in my life. u had once held a special place in my life for a while, u now hold a special place in my heart as a close fren and in the future, u will still be a special friend in my life like now. you once were, are and still will be somebody in my life.

sometimes ppl do not appreciate the ones who really care or have had an impact in their lives till they lose them.as for me, i do appreciate the special bonds of friendship and these are impt to me

u shld smile more too. have more faith in urself, trust urself more and understand that if there is a day where u can fully love, there can be no place for hatred or no hate deep enuff that love cant conquer

its not easy but i believe u will have someone who will really make u understand that, appreciate you and make you feel like the most precious thing in this world

every gal deserves only the best for herself "

i found a gem

2007-12-12T20:33:00.000+08:00

wat is it like to die?

wat is it like to commit suicide?

to step onto the road just before the car reaches me. will i fly far? as i soar, will memories flash pass me, like a camera, click click click, picture by picture. i hope i will hv the time to say my last prayer, to wish my last wish. and as i land on the soft grass, i am at peace. i am free. my eyes blinked for the last time, i see the sun set.

the adrenaline rush as i stand at the edge of the building. my heart is pumpin. thoughts racing. one slip, and i will fall. down. i wonder if i'll regret and fight against gravity. so i guess i'll pick the 6th floor. not much time to think.

but if i were to commit suicide, i would choose to get hit by a Rolls Royce or a Jaguar. at least, i wouldn't die so ugly. let the rich be stained w my blood. let them be reminded tat they are not the only ones in this world. when the rich rage war, it's the poor who die. we die so that u can live ur extravagant lifestyle. we die for ur sins.

i hope someone will write a song abt me, like the way Jackson wrote for Ben. simple, yet beautiful.

2007-12-09T03:21:00.000+08:00

lookin at my bloodshot eyes,
why am i doin this to myself?
but it's the only way,
to drown everythin away.

how much did i drink?
i can't rmb.
only know tat my glass was nv empty

i hv no sense of direction anymore
there seem to be more then one way to go now

i am tired
when will all the misery end?

2007-12-05T10:00:00.000+08:00

i'm nv fit in anywhere and i am part of nobody's life.

i am easily forgettable.

pple depend on me to organise outings so that they can just turn up and hv fun. all the smses to ask if pple r free, only to hv to send more cos everybody say 'dunno' 'not sure'. all the plannin, and finally settled on a date, to be pangsehed by someone. everybody say wanna meet, wanna do this do tat, but they just can't be bothered to take initiative. am i being too nice? i'm fed up

2007-12-02T01:30:00.000+08:00

wat is suicidal hate?

www.dictionary.com defines suicidal as 1) pertaining to, involving, or suggesting suicide
2) tending or leading to suicide
3) foolishly or rashly dangerous

does it mean a) u hate someone so much u hv thoughts of suicide or actually commited suicide
0r b) ur built-up hatred is foolish and detrimental to urself, in both mind n body?

i would like to think it's the latter.

y would u be suicidal if u hate someone alot? u would probably be thinkin of ways to hv ur revenge or smth instead of thinkin of ways to die. perhaps, maybe u hate ur dad alot, but hv to be stuck w him in the same house. n it drives u nuts. tat's y u wanna kill urself.

seriously i can't think of much scenarios to fit into definition A.

2007-12-01T11:26:00.000+08:00

i don't like pple who treat their partners better then their friends.

yest in jb, i started feeling super cold n having constant spells of dizziness. only one fren stood beside me while the other 2 continued to shop. E, didn't even asked if i was ok, she just kept askin if i was really tat tired. i was not tired in the first place. E then scuttered ard shops, lookin for her white dress to wear for her anniversary, not even tellin us where u went. I just stood outside the shops, shivering.

If her bf was me, would she hv continued her shopping, leavin him outside? or would she hv fussed over him.

when we talk, yeah she's listening. but not attentively. cos we'll hv to repeat, or she'll ask again some time later. would she hv done the same to her bf?

one of my fren says tat some pple are just like tat. i know. but it's damn hurtful esp since i know E for 8 yrs. 8 long yrs, and wat am i to her? she calls or sms me, ONLY, during the exam period to ask qns. tat's all. not even msn. but she msn my other friends.

like the leaf, against the bright petals

2007-11-27T23:37:00.000+08:00

i can't help it if pple can't rmb me
i can't help it if my birthday is so forgettable
i can't help it if i'm nobody's best friend
i can't help it if i can't fit in, anywhere
i can't help being left out

like a sputnik, following a designated path.
the occasional collision w someone, but nv stayin long enuf to build a solid friendship.
revolving ard.

i think i'm meant to be alone.
the more i wondered who i am, the more i delved into how i fit into everything, the more i feel lonely.

i hate hypocrites

2007-11-27T13:10:00.000+08:00

thx to J n his books, my interest in reading n writing resurface. i can't really say interest, i always loved reading , just that libraries dun hv good books. n good books, can only be purchased. it'll be nice if i hv a wooden bookshelve, w books of all sorts filling the spaces, until one day when i look at it, i'll go 'tat's a neat collection of books'. but tat's not gonna happen. cos if it did, i'll prob hv starved long ago.

come to think of it, i haven't seen J for like.. 4months? which is pretty long since it felt like yest when he first entered my shop. always w his bag n book. we didn't really talked, only after i left the company. tat split moment when he drived up the taxi stand, i'm amazed i still recognised him at a glimpse. 4 mths, n he really seemed to lost quite a bit of weight. n somehow, tat smile of his seemed more, 灿烂. we r like engagin in a long dist friendship, the occasional msn chat or sms, then when we meet, woah! u changed alot.

it's nice to find someone who enjoys reading.

2007-02-27T11:58:00.000+08:00

somehow, life has lost its meaning.
nth seems to matter anymore.
the only feelin i hv is thuddin of my heart
in pain.

2007-02-15T17:40:00.000+08:00

And if your heart stops beating
I'll be here wondering
Did you get what you deserve?
The ending of your life
And if you get to heaven
I'll be here waiting, babe
Did you get what you deserve?
The end, and if your life won't wait
Then your heart can't take this

Have you heard the news that you're dead?
No one ever had much nice to say
I think they never liked you anyway
Oh take me from the hospital bed
Wouldn't it be grand?
It ain't exactly what you planned.
And wouldn't it be great If we were dead?
Ohh dead.

Tongue-tied and oh so squeamish
You never fell in love
Did you get what you deserve?
The ending of your life
And if you* get to heaven
I'll be here waiting, babe
Did you get what you deserve?
The end, and if your life won't wait
Then your heart can't take this

Have you heard the news that you're dead?
No one ever had much nice to say
I think they never liked you anyway
Oh take me from the hospital bed
Wouldn't it be grand to take a pistol by the hand?
And wouldn't it be great if we were dead?

And in my honest observation
During this operation
Found a complication in your heart
So long, 'Cause now you've got (now you've got)
Maybe just two weeks to live
Is that the most the both of you can give?

One, two, one two three four!

LA LA LA LA LA!
LA LA LA LA LA LA!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Well come on,
LA LA LA LA LA!
LA LA LA LA LA LA!
LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Oh motherfucker,

If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why are we laughing? (LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why are we laughing?
If life ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why are we laughing? (LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
If like ain't just a joke (LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!)
Then why am I dead?
DEAD!

2007-02-08T10:24:00.000+08:00

Grey clouds.
Let them be.
They’ll be gone, when the next wind blows.
Push them to the edge,
dark clouds will arise.
Storm.
Rain.
Regrets.
How long will the next sunshine last?

2007-02-07T20:32:00.000+08:00

sch... is tiring .. really. i find myself so tired, but i can't slp.. i guess partly cos i'm teachin tuition at bishan twice at week.. some more durin weekdays... sigh.. i need the money..! really happy to hv the ability to buy things for my family.. just hope i wouldn't hv to sacrifice my weekends too..

hate havin tutorial day on monday. means i hv to rush thurs and fri's lecture's hw durin weekends. which i wouldn't cos weekends is meant to relax.. so i try to rush before the lecture.. sian sian sian.

i haven't seen aud, si ya for quite some time. and cyclin w li hui has always been postponed.

today my teacher said smth that is v true: when u grow up, u start to miss the past. miss ur childhood. that innocence. when sch work wasn't so time consumin so there's alot of time to play. now, everybody hv their own stuff to do, so hard to find time to do things together.

suddenly i feel so old.. i hate to know that i'm old. still fightin to retain those traces of innocence that still run through my veins. i don't want to become wat society expects me to be. i don't want to be just anyone else. can i really run away from society's perceptions? all these yrs, we've been taught to behave the way society thinks we shld behave, to do the things that are accepted, but yet, nobody teaches us how to be ourselves. so who am i now? me? or another robot programmed by society?

i don't hv the ans, cos i don't know who am i.

2007-01-16T09:44:00.000+08:00

back in sch.. it's not really a bad thing, at least i've things to do. in a way, i'm happy to be back again. got the timetable i wanted.. gonna be stuck w mei yin everyday, all day! omg... and if one day i become dumber... u know why. =)

alot of things happened durin the hols. i can't say i nv regret any decisions i made.. but wat's done is done.

a couple of my frens has just gotten attached.. hope u guys will be happy. to the rest, it's still yr 1 sem 2.. many more sems to come.. dun worry!

lately, i haven't gotten alot to say.. i dunno wat to say..

k, time for poop

2006-12-27T10:56:00.000+08:00

hostel life changes pple.
changes our attitude,
the way we treat our friends,
old and new alike.
makes us lazy.

couldn't bear to stay anymore.
sick of it.

anw, the hols has been great for me. i hold no regrets or whatsoever. did the things i wanna do. had fun with aud. a great christmas. lookin forward to a great new yr too. yeah!

2006-12-21T08:56:00.000+08:00

puppets we are,
to be manipulated,
and taken for granted.

dance, act when needed,
abandoned when not.

waiting

friendship

2006-12-19T12:41:00.000+08:00

friendship is like a plant.
the seed planted by 2 friends.
nurtured by both.
flowers bloom.
ephemeral happiness.

when 1 stop makin effort,
flowers wilt.
decay.
and the friendship dies.

hcl gathering!!

2006-12-17T21:32:00.000+08:00

yeah! hcl finally gathered together on 16th at settlers' cafe katong. haven't seen many for ages, but yet everybody felt so comfortable w each other. felt like the old sec sch days, when we were all young and care-free. lalala.. nice to see them. too bad jun jie wasn't ard. no one to bicker with.

we stayed at settlers' till 10.30pm. then we decided to go to kbox at parkway till 3am! 3am. it was quite funny when everybody started calling their parents after we made that decision. really a crazy outin! yeah! 12 came for the gatherin, 8 went for kbox. still a nice number.. had fun at the kbox.. esp when chin seng had his solo performances... he stood on the sofa and started singin this old song 'ling3 wu4'. everybody gathered ard him and treated him like a superstar. kept shoutin ou3 xiang4 (idol) at him. we also gave superstar judges comments to him.. =)

3 am came so quickly.. our last finale was chin seng's wu3 niang2 dance. it's a song by jolin.. wah his dance is so perfect.. exactly the same as the mtv.. wondered how he managed to learn the dance movements of the whole song. really enjoyed his performances..

i bought a top and a bag from mango.. sale goin on.. few wks before, the top was $35! luckily didn't buy cos it's selling at $20 now.. phew.. lalala.

i quit starbucks le.. sort of. still hv to sign the paper. but ya, feeling so free and happy. cos really can do wat i want, when i want..

liquid nitrogen!

2006-12-14T17:00:00.000+08:00

just went to national skin centre to get treatment for my warts.. the nurse, armed w an aerosel can, sprayed on my warts mercilessly. -160 degree celcious... it's like 6 times worse then frostbite.. omg... the irony is tat when she started scrapin off skin from the warts, i didn't feel pain even though it was bleeding.. sigh.. so pain!! it's really super pain!... luckily bro was w me.. still got 3 agonising sessions left. shit!